I AM SO BORED

This is ridiculous. I fell asleep early, thus waking up even more obscenely early than usual. No, wait, it's not even late enough yet to qualify as waking up "early." It's just... ridiculous. "A Nightmare on Elm Street" is on tv, but even edited it's enough to creep me out, which I don't need in the middle of the night. Shoot, I shouldn't even be thinking about that movie- I'll get heebie-jeebies without watching it!

So I voted Tuesday- yay, absentee ballots!- and got all ocd worrying that if I didn't pick somebody for each thing, even random judicial candidates I've never heard of, it could invalidate the ballot. I know that's dumb- then again, I do live in Florida- and I know it's bad to vote for someone based on their possession of an amusing name or the party they belong to, but... I really care about only two things on that ballot, and I'll be darned if I'm gonna let some "Should Judge Wanky McPlonkerpants be retained in office?" question keep me from getting my two cents in. So I did the best I could. Just hope I didn't accidentally vote for some municipal Antichrist or anything.

I need to get a library card. The thought of rereading anything, even my yummy Stephen Kings, makes me want to scream right now- I've read all my books at least a dozen times apiece (and that's no small task, if you've ever seen my collection) and can't go bookshopping right now. Gotta look into that, maybe tomorrow. As for tonight... I think the original version of "The Fly" was coming on next- maybe I'll watch that.

Good times, bad times

Another awake-before-the-sun day. Good news: that request to split my workday 4 + 4 finally got approved for the next month, 'til our shifts change. Yay! With 4 hours between to take a nap, I can finally start getting more than 20 hours a week done again. Getting caught up on bills before Christmas would = a happy Jenny.

I've been kinda bummed about finishing the Lovett outfit (end-of-project blues?), so am trying to choose the next big Thing To Make. I've got a pattern for a sorta retro, June-Cleaver-at-a-cocktail-party dress that I'm thinking of trying. It's fairly complicated, but it would be super cute if it comes out well. Might even do for the Xmas party at work. Just need to pick a color! **

** (7 PM update) Word is they've canceled the work Xmas party ('cause of the damn economy), so I guess the June Cleaver dress would be semi-pointless. Poo. Back to the drawing board.

'Scuse me while I whip this out

Just got into politics with me ma. Damn it, I hate talking about "issues"! She's pretty conservative, I'm pretty liberal, and it's just so much better not to go there and make everybody uncomfortable. I feel really guilty, which is stupid cuz I think what I think. I tend to have trouble openly disagreeing with people, no matter how peaceable the conversation is. Today has been a very bad side effect day, which doesn't help. Good things, too, though: I had a fantastic dinner last night- Dan made bacon-wrapped shrimp and nice little steaks- and I've got just a little more work on the Lovett skirt and I'll be all done- yay, surf 'n'turf and halloween costumes!

Poop.

Grrrr. I haven't made the progress I expected today on Mrs. Lovett. Ran into some last minute architectural issues- not hard to resolve, just time consuming- and then couldn't finish the fine work I thought I would cause my hands have been shaking like crazy. I can concentrate on the stitching or on making my hands still, but not both. Frustrating. My dose goes up again tomorrow. I'm following the drug company's suggested schedule, just added a couple of half-steps in between recommended steps up cause I'm nervous about The Rash That Kills. So far, so good- no rashes. I just hate the growing-a-third-eye factor. As long as it's not another nearsighted one....

D'you know what I'd like to do, Mr. Todd?

The Mrs. Lovett costume is finally almost done. YAY!! Between tonight and tomorrow, it should be good to go. Did a test run with the makeup a few days ago, and... well, I'll post pics when it's done, you'll see. It's not terrible.



I'm trying a new perfume sample today- this scent's insanely frickin' expensive, but really beautiful. "Untitled" by Strange Invisible Perfumes (it was originally called "Lady Day," but apparently Miss Billie's estate disapproved). It smells of gardenias and, faintly, oranges, and it's very subtle- not one where you sniff the bottle and get prowlygrowly- it creeps up on you, you start thinking, "wow, God, what is that? Oh, it's me!" Very nice one. Too expensive to buy a bottle, so I'm glad not to love it too much, but... really a nice scent.

Argh.

I'm awake, and hyper, and it's 4 am. I feel like Ralph Roberts- I'd been waking up at 5:30 for two weeks ('cept Saturday night when I actually slept almost straight through), then yesterday at 4:30, today at 3:20.... how do I deal with work like this? The sometimes-shaking hands are kinda funny, but insomnia... not so much. Damn side effects (you know, I could grow a third eye right now and I'd say, "Huh, that must be the meds"). *sigh* I know it will stabilize, but right now... ick-o-rama.

Whoa.

So I woke up, went outside to "check on the weather" (it's chilly and beautiful) and was sitting there ruminating, when I realized I feel... normal. And then I realized I'm not entirely sure what "normal" is. I've been moody my whole life, and I don't have the slightest idea what I'll be like when I'm not a little on edge all the time. Huh... hope I like her. Really hope y'all like her. I don't wanna be a mayonnaise-on-wonder-bread girl, but maybe being less "interesting" will be more comfortable and less dramatic. I think it might be nice.

My dose goes up again today- I could wait up to Tuesday, but now that I finally slept through the night I think I'd better go ahead and see what happens. Here we go again.

NOM

I just made the best salad, y'all. Forgot to mention the doc visit yesterday, where the PA was a little too eager to inform me that my thyroid is ok and my cholesterol is friggin' horrible (which, btw, is another signal your thyroid is NOT ok. I wish she'd done the tests I asked for). I don't think she liked it that I wasn't fazed, I just explained that cheeseburgers tend to build up over time. (Next visit, I'm gonna insist on seeing the actual doctor. Me and this PA lady don't... er... communicate well). Anyway, I made a shopping list with all these different websites' "10 Best Foods..." articles amalgamated. Luckily, I'm a darn good cook (and that's not bragging cuz it's true). I just made a spinach salad with cashew-crusted mahi and dried apricots and avocado and shiitakes and some other stuff and it was awesome. Woulda been better with bacon, but isn't everything?

monday...

HHN was okay... I wish I wouldnt've wussed out on the haunted houses after just a couple of 'em. Got to go on "Jaws" in the dark. That was cool.

Feeling really good, really normal and happy, today, which I think is due to Drug A kicking in. El Doctor gave me samples of it, but I won't be taking it longterm cuz that mess costs five hundred bucks a month. Kinda annoying, but Drug B is far cheaper and has a good rep (except for when the side effects kill people), so I left the doc a message I'll need a scrip for that one. It's funny, when you're not well you don't want to do anything, but to get better you have to do the extra running around and waiting. My brother and one of my friends have made fun of me a little for being so happy to find out I'm nuts, but after years of being told to 'get more exercise... and take these anti-d's,' I'm really thrilled someone listened. Let's see if the good mood lasts thru work and into tomorrow-at-the-car-dealership-at-OMG-o'clock. That's a big test.

Feed your head

Huh. After all this time, I may have lucked out on shr- er, mental health professionals. A sensible one who asks for your full history and doesn't just shove a new brand of anti-d's at you is rare, from what I've seen. Still need to see what the bloodwork says, but I'm feeling much, much better about the possibility I can get my head level again long-term.

Going to the park tomorrow. Maybe to the AK, definitely to Halloween Horror Nights. Not a great idea given what a wuss I am, but I've wanted to go for years, and working it last year was not the same thing as going. So it's on.

Boogie shoes

It's the closing weekend at PI, so we all went out there last night while it was still free. Got out of work too late for the Adventurer's Club, but oh well. It's funny: the other time I went to PI I was dolled up and tanked up and ready to rumble, and it was... meh. Last night I looked frumpy in work clothes, had awful hair, wasn't really into drinking, and it was alright. Had a really nice time. Got home waaaaaaaaay late, and I hafta work soon, but hey, I got some sleep, the weather is gorgeous, and today is my Friday. It's all good.

I smell funny!

I just finished starting colortesting and dyeing my skirt fabric for Halloween. It's a three step process- I've done the first part, so my house now reeks of stewed tea and various Rit dyes, the bathroom is swathed in enough Glad bags for a body disposal, and my fingernails look like a zombie movie, but I can't clean up 'til the fabric is dry enough to take off the shower rod. And I hafta do this twice more, once with a stamp and once with sponge-and-fingerpainting. It's really fun stuff, especially since it's the first time I've wanted to do anything Lovett-oriented in two weeks, even with all the materials at hand and loads of work left to finish.

I love the Klonopin, the effects are amazing, but I'm praying so hard that this bloodwork will find a concrete reason I've had to deal with these periodic difficulties for so many years. Bonking into a car windshield and coming from a weird clan (sorry, Mommy, a one-really-weird-and-one-semi-weird-sided clan?) shouldn't be enough to produce... this. Hm. Then again, maybe it should. I don't want to do the shrink thing, I don't want to be on permadrugs, I just want to be normal. Not super-happy-chipper, just... not crazy. I'd like to keep Not Getting Fired for at least a little longer- even with better car insurance, the Tardis isn't free!

How do you spell relief?

Klonopin is amazing, y'all! I know benzos aren't for long term use, but I am blown away at how much one measly dose helped. I got thru my short night at work with no problems. Yesterday I was shaking like a dog and trying not to cry or barf if someone asked me how much a one day ticket costs, today I was perfectly okay. That is one good thing about years of scary-brain episodes: the lows are so, so horrible that when you actually feel normal again it's a red letter day. Tell ya what, I may stockpile the rest of those little yellow buggers 'til next time it gets truly ugly, just for the insane niceness of the relief.

Mood altering drugs + fried chicken = fun afternoon?

All's I know is, either these meds had better work or the bloodtests find something actually physically wrong that's fixable, cause I can't handle feeling this awful for much longer. Y'all know how I feel about drugs: I want a here's-what's-wrong-and-here's-the-fix-it-takes-one-dose-and-it's-cheap answer. I can't function in public hardly at all right now, I'm nearly catatonic in private, and I'm physically sick on top of that. This bout showed up and worsened really suddenly and swiftly (I was FINE Labor Day!), and it's a pretty bad one. I mustn't keep missing work, but I can barely function in my job when I'm there, so I'm constantly freaking out, which makes the attacks worse. Dammit, these drugs had better help. Or at least be fun to watch cartoons on. My new doctor isn't too bad (well, I only saw his PA), and they were helpful in checking for a couple of shrinks my insurance will cover (NOT that I want to go that route, but she wants me to 'see someone' in case I'm crazy rather than just offbalance). The lab stuff should be back by Monday, so maybe they'll find something actually wrong, and I can decide what to do from there. It's not a great feeling, waiting to find out if your body needs fixing, or if you're... just an insane person. This is why I prefer drinking.

I used to think that the day would never come

I was outside just now, peeking down at my Autumn-sized neighbor. She's got a Hello Kitty wallet, a folded, dirty dollar, a tin box full of dirt, and a pointy stick. Plus a pudgy friend visiting. I badly want to know what she's digging for- worms? fairy corpses?- but if I made my presence known, it would ruin everything. Being grownup is such CRAP sometimes.